13: The Sewers

After many days of cheese-based excoriation, my symptoms did not seem to have eased. Still, I thought that perhaps they would have been even worse without such a regimen, so I resolved to continue to apply the cheese to my face despite the smell and the strange looks I sometimes got. In any case I spent most of my time at the temple researching my herbal cures. I made a couple of forays into the forests outside the city in search of herbs, and I surprised myself with how many plants I could now identify despite learning only from illustrations in books.

After only a couple of weeks I had finished my concoction and I was pleased to see it was obnoxious enough to pass for a genuine healing draught. Now I only needed someone to get seriously wounded so that I could test it. I tried not to hope for such an eventuality.

Despite my illness I was enjoying life again, helping people at the temple, living among the Shallya-devoted, not having to watch my back, or worry about monsters and conspiracies, or fighting fanatics, or looking after incompetents. So, it was with some dread that I received a letter with Emmanuelle Nacht’s seal upon it and my heart sank as I learned I must return to the barracks and receive some sort of award for bravery in the face of evil wizards. I suspected this was just some ploy to get us back in the watch. Perhaps Rudi had concocted it, and he was going to take all our awards and send us back out on the riverfront beat.

But when we got to the barracks Pfeffer was there with a pile of medals and Rudi was nowhere to be seen. I would like to say it was great to see all my old colleagues again, Solvej, Gulgad, Erhardt, and Otto, but it wasn’t.

We waited around for a bit, for Emmanuelle Nacht herself to turn up, I’m sure she is very busy. And then Captain Pfeffer began to address the gathering crowd, which, apart from a couple of watchmen and some bored townsfolk was mostly just us. Kurtis hadn’t turned up, which was surprising. In fact, this should have been a bit of an alarm because we should have realised Kurtis wasn’t the type to give up the opportunity to be the centre of attention or the opportunity to meet Lady Nacht again.

I was beginning to think this might all pass off pleasantly, when the ceremony was abruptly interrupted by a hairy little man-like thing appearing from beneath the stand and addressing us in a strange high-pitched voice. He said something along the lines of ‘we have the fat and small one and we’ve been waiting for you to come for the last three weeks,’ but Reikspiel was clearly not his first language.

The crowd went crazy and, in her surprise, Pfeffer dropped the medals into the ground. Some of the crowd fled, some surged forward to grab the medals (they were real gold) and seeing the opportunity for the children of my prospective orphanage I dived in too, and grabbed what I could. I was happy to come up from the melee with two of the medals. Meanwhile Gulgad had sprung into action and attacked the hairy thing with Erhardt helping out with his magic. The poor creature was soon a pile of fur and bones on the muddy ground, which seemed a bit harsh as it had only been delivering a message.

Secreting the two illicit medals inside my robes (it’s not stealing if it’s for orphans) I went to help Gulgad who had been injured by the rat creature. I offered him my newly concocted healing draught and he downed it in one. I’m not sure it did much good. I also tended to his wounds and it’s worth pointing out that the Ratte Fever he was soon to go down with could just as easily have been contracted from the rat man thing he had just fought as it could have from me. In any case, there was nowhere handy to wash my hands. (Some learned members of the Cult of Shallya believe that washing and cleanliness help prevent the spread of disease. I am undecided on the issue.) In any case Dwarfs like to pride themselves on being too hardy to contract such minor human ailments.

I wondered about the hairy creature. I had heard tales of short men from the Southlands who were covered in hair, and I think they were called monkeys. I wondered whether this character could be a monkey. But if he were, why would they be taunting us? Father Gunther, who was at the ceremony to watch me get my medal (I think he was more interested in their monetary value than my bravery award) was quick to move in and take control of the body. We insisted to Pfeffer that we should be able to dispose of it at the temple and she agreed.

Otto was being evasive. On the one hand he seemed to know exactly what the creature was, but on the other he was loathe to talk about it, or have any of us talk about it. He called them two-legged rat-men, which seems like a contradiction in terms and said that they lived in the sewers.

We had a discussion and decided that the fat one might refer to Rudi but we had no idea who the small one was, or why we should be searching for them. The rat creature had clearly been taunting us and so we felt that if we did go into the sewers in search of Rudi then we would be walking into a trap.

Otto had the idea of getting a rat catcher guide to help us out, as he was a big name in the Ubersreik rat catching business and had a load of contacts. I did wonder, though, why Otto couldn’t be our guide as he actually was a rat catcher. We headed down to the Rat Catchers Arms which was where all the rat catchers hung out, and strangely Otto didn’t seem to know many people there at all. He got talking to Olga who was a strapping rat catcher who jealously eyed Schnitzel as she told us tales of Big Jospeh the legendary big rat of the Ubersreik Sewers. Otto asked her to guide us through the sewers in return for Kurtis writing a song about her legendary rat catching and she agreed.

We decided we had better get some equipment if we were going to enter the sewers, and Gudrun’s shop was close by. Though he had been extremely enthusiastic to join us on our trip to the mountains his experience there had left him a little disturbed, I think, and he was a lot quieter when we got him home. Personally, I don’t think he is up to this adventuring business, in any case. He is almost as easily shocked as Solvej. But, we needed the equipment and didn’t have much money, so needs must. We kitted ourselves out with a couple of decent lanterns and invited him to come with us, and he agreed. His father wasn’t quite so approving this time, but Gulgad assured him he would be safe with a fellow Dwarf to look after him.

So, under Olga’s guidance we found a way into the sewers where the sewage spilled into the Teufel, close to where Otto had found Rudi’s medal. Wading through the filth was disgusting, of course, and I had already been feeling ill. Now I was positively nauseous. Schnitzel yapped away as he ran about in a disobedient manner. It wasn’t a very stealthy expedition. I thought that Otto should either train the creature properly or buy a lead.

Because of the narrowness of the tunnel we had to stay in single file and it all got very uncomfortable and claustrophobic very quickly. We made our painstaking way through the sewers for what seemed like ages and must have gone nearly half way across the city when we came out into a wider chamber. There we saw a piece of Kurtis’ prized lute, broken on the ground. There was no mistaking it was Kurtis’, which made us think that the small one the rat creature thing had told us of was Kurtis himself. Why would they kidnap Kurtis and Rudi just to get us to come down into the sewers. It didn’t make sense.

Then we saw a shadowy figure in front of us and Schnitzel ran off after it before Otto could call it back, and even if he had called it back Schnitzel wouldn’t have taken any notice of him. But Olga called after Schnitzel and seemed to get to him, but then she disappeared. Was she a dog napper, or just frightened?

And we heard a noise from behind and Gudrun who had been protecting our rear was grabbed by another shadowy figure and dragged back along the sewer. Solvej quicky turned and shot an arrow into the darkness bringing down the figure and saving Gudrun. Every time she shoots the bow I wonder why she wasted so much time with that awful sling of hers. In any case there would have been no space to use the sling in these cramped conditions.

Then further on we could see more shadowy figures and they had two sorry characters with them. It was Kurtis and Rudi, clearly being held hostage, dishevelled and disturbed. And as my eyes grew more accustomed to the darkness I could tell that these figures were actually two-legged rat men, the very creatures Otto had warned us about mentioning. And I suddenly became very aware of the fact that I was covered in cheese.

Then from the darkness stepped Orban Geldrecht. He looked strangely changed in the dimness. His limbs were longer, somehow, and they flailed about as he addressed us. He began ranting about our thwarting of his plans, how we were responsible for bringing down his cult and even for the death of his beloved Vielfras, and he declared his revenge. With that he ordered his rat-man allies to execute Kurtis and Rudi. I quickly invoked the name of Shallya to implore Kurtis’ captor to spare him. I’m sure the word of Shallya has no influence on such creatures, but they may have hesitated just momentarily however and Gulgad and friends struck.

The fight was quick but confusing. Gulgad finally put Orban out of our misery; this was the third, and final, time he had bested him. Some ratmen fell but the rest fled into the darkness. Kurtis had been wounded by his captor and I quickly tended to his wounds, but as usual he was making a fuss about not much. Gudrun had been struck down by ratmen and he lay badly injured and so did Rudi. Gudrun would make it but he needed to be carried out of the sewers, which Gulgad did, concerned that his promise to the lad’s father had not been kept. I tended to Rudi but I could see that not even my skill would be enough to save him. I cradled his head gently in my arms and he cried a tear to Shallya as he peacefully passed from this world.