37: Return to Ubersreik

The trip to Ubersreik was pretty uneventful. Otto became obsessed with searching the boat for Glimbrin, convinced the little bastard was somehow stowing aboard, but found no sign of him. I gave him his tusk-dagger back, although I made him promise not to use it for violence, which he readily agreed to. I think he will make a good Shallyan monk. I managed to find the herbs for Solvej’s potion but must have done something wrong in preparing it because it didn’t turn out like it was supposed to.

We arrived in Ubersreik several hours before the party was due to start. I thought it would be a good idea for us all to lie low on the boat until then but was surprised to see that a number of us were happy to wander around town like we weren’t wanted for murder.

Kurtis arranged to meet his mother in some posh tavern. She was very pleased to see him as she’d thought he was dead. He told her how successful he was now and how much money he had and gave her three crowns. He told her all the things he had been up to but had to leave out all the bits about murder and other criminal acts, and so there wasn’t a lot left to tell. He did mention that I was back in town too, and that no doubt I would be contacting my mother and giving her a load of money, which was typical Kurtis being a dick. I had no intention of contacting her and I didn’t have any money.

Solvej spent the time preparing her makeup for the party. It was a long, painstaking job, I think, but I was good enough to complement her after all the work that it didn’t look as bad as the last time she had done it. Although I did wonder why she needed to be so heavily made up to go to a masked ball.

Gulgad and Erhardt went for a walk around town, but Gulgad avoided Dawihafen so that he didn’t run into any of Gudrun’s relatives. Otto didn’t go back to see his family, as he explained, he was staying away until his wife bore him a son. Solvej wondered whether Otto’s family was actually real.

In a few hours, we were ready to go to the ball. We were supposed to be there to make sure the gravin was safe and that her ambitions for Karl-Heinz could be advanced. We were briefed to avoid any embarrassment for the von Saponatheims and hopefully any incident at all. Judging by the other parties we had been to with the gravin, this was going to be a lot of work, but I think Solvej was just looking forward to going to a party in a nice dress.

Otto had his bear costume and he had made a bear (or rat) mask for Schnitzel using two dead rats. Solvej had her expensive blue dress with matching mask that she had bought in Nuln, revealing her freshly plucked ankles as she practised her curtseying. Kurtis was strutting about dressed as a knight, looking a bit like a Knight Panther. You could tell that just because he was wearing the costume, he thought he was actually a proper knight, in the same way his pretending to be a noble, in his head, actually makes him a noble. Gulgad was dressed as himself but Kurtis told everyone he was Gotrek.

I had to wear that stupid fish costume, which was smelling increasingly foul with every day that passed. I don’t really know what Erhardt was up to. He was mostly naked, which was a bit of a sacrifice seeing as winter had already taken hold of Ubersreik and it was pretty chilly. But he had the trappings of a Jade Wizard. I guess it was some sort of wizard joke, but I didn’t get it. He also had to wear his cloak, to hide the big Grey College rune on his back. I guess he’d had it tattooed at some point, without telling anyone. Although, to be fair to Erhardt he looked a lot fitter and stronger than I thought a wizard like him would be under their robes.

Then the gravin turned up wearing a daring green number that exposed a lot more of her legs than Solvej. It looked a bit indecent, but I guess these are the latest fashions. And she had Seedling in tow, who she explained was there to help the evening go smoothly with her tricks and charm. I reminded Otto that Seedling was a good friend of Glimbrin, which made him even more wary that the gnome might turn up.

We got there unfashionably early and were announced to an empty house, save for the servants. But soon, Captain Blucher and Captain Pfeffer from the watch turned up. They said they were in charge of security. Fortunately, we were all hidden behind our masks, and we asked them about Boniel von Bruner. They knew he had been found dead dressed as the Fishrook but said that there had been an increase in highway robberies recently, so they seemed to think that the Fishrook was still at large.

Some bloke turned up as a fish, looking a bit like me. It turned out this was Ernst Maler, the mayor. He seemed to think we should be friends as we were both fish. And then the beer arrived. Borgan Foambeard brought a number of barrels into the house. Foambeard’s is supposed to be one of the best beers in Ubersreik. We weren’t sure whether he was a guest or just delivering.

Solvej wandered off to check the other rooms and bumped into Seedling. The halfling told her we should be on the lookout for the Dammenblatz’s the gravin’s sworn enemies, and Solvej gave Seedling one of her firecrackers to use to signal Solvej in an emergency. Seedling told Solvej she would give her any juicy gossip as she was a magnet for gossip as nobody considered her a threat, so were happy to speak freely. She also said something about Boniel von Bruner dying in mysterious circumstances, dressed as the Fishrook, and suggested that maybe he knew the real identity of the Fishrook.

Then Baron Heinrich von Falkenhayn turned up, wearing a falcon mask. He eyed us suspiciously but I’m not really sure who he was, maybe just some random noble up for a party. Then Baron Erich von Holzenauer, our host, arrived. He was clearly doing his best to ingratiate himself with everyone and shook my hand and asked me what I did but once he found out I wasn’t important he wandered away to meet someone else. He did seem impressed by ‘Greta’ Solvej and called her a ‘lovely thing,’ for some reason. Solvej seemed genuinely pleased about this, I wondered about calling her a lovely thing, too, but decided against it. Then he thanked Gulgad for the beer, which was a bit racist. He wondered what Otto had come as, and Otto roared, to show he was a bear, but I think the baron just thought he was a simpleton. He was impressed by Kurtis though and suggested he might find employ with him if he ever needed it.

It does make we wonder how Kurtis seems to go through life being a dick and not caring about anyone else, having a laugh and not over thinking things, and yet people seem to like him, and he goes up in the world effortlessly and he attracts lots of women. Whereas I work hard, do my best to look after everyone and help them, and see to their spiritual wellbeing, and am keen to guide everyone in the right way of behaving, and yet I never seem to be appreciated or get offered employment, or attract any women. It really is mystifying.

Then came Jendrik von Dabernick, I have no idea who he is, who was dressed as a twin-tailed comet, or just had a bad haircut. He had a knight panther with him as a bodyguard who kept his helmet down the whole time and didn’t say anything. This was a bit menacing. Solvej pursued the knight panther for a bit and tried to have a conversation with him. She asked him a few questions, but all he did was nod. She asked whether she was boring him, and he nodded at that, too.

Then, the guests we were least looking forward to, Baron Heinrich von Bruner turned up with some noble lady who I didn’t know, and his daughter, Gutele. Gutele was wearing a fashionable blue dress, but her mask was the Fishrook. We all agreed that this was a bit on the nose and wondered what her brother might think. On the other hand, we had murdered him, so perhaps we shouldn’t have been taking quite the moral high ground.

We all tried to avoid Gutele, and Erhardt sloped off and found an empty room, and did some sort of magical transformation, that I don’t understand and don’t really care about. But apparently, he managed to change his appearance so much that no one, not even us, would be able to recognise him unless he wanted them to.

Solvej was looking upset about being snubbed by the knight panther so I told her her make up looked good. I’m not sure whether she was pleased with this, but then she took a whiff of my fish—head mask and made her excuses and left.

Then Baron Rickard Aschaffenberg and his son Max were announced. The baron had a traditional mask, but Max was wearing some sort of mutation costume with a third arm, and was dressed in the von Bruner colours. Gutele von Bruner got mad and shouted ‘How dare you,’ at Max, taking the costume to be an insult against her house and referencing rumours that there had been mutations in the family. Max thought this was hilarious.

I thought this might be playing into the gravin’s hands by making the Aschaffenbergs and the von Bruners look bad, but as we had been told to prevent any incidents at all Solvej stepped in and offered to help. She told Max that she would get him another costume and called for Otto to take his bear suit off. But Otto, apparently, was naked underneath his costume so we decided this was a bad plan.

Solvej roped Kurtis into trying to explain diplomatically to Baron Rickard why the costume was a bad idea, and he got into an argument with Max and even threatened him. But Solvej, much more diplomatically, managed to convince Rickard to allow her to change his son’s costume and steered him towards the powder room, and got some servants to bring an old sheet, some flour and some coal. Max seemed convinced that Solvej was trying to seduce him and get his clothes off, but eventually she managed to turn him into a half decent looking ghost.

We all agreed that Max Aschaffenberg was a dick, and Kurtis confided that the more time he spends with nobles the more he was getting to hate them, which I thought was a bit odd, seeing as he spends so much time trying to ingratiate himself with them, and even pretending to be one. I think maybe he is just jealous of them.

Then Karl-Heinz von Saponatheim turned up in a stag mask looking pleased with himself. There was no sign of Natassia, though, which was probably a good thing, for us and her. A worried looking Dwarf turned up looking for Foambeard, and Gulgad followed him. He explained to Foambeard and Gulgad that the beer wagon had been waylaid by Rat-headed mutants trying to steal the beer. Gulgad said he’d be on hand to deal with them if things got serious, which Foambeard appreciated. And Foambeard informed Captain Pfeffer who sent a messenger back to the barracks to get more watchmen.

Erhardt, who had been walking around completely unrecognised bumped into Kurtis and asked if he was a knight. Kurtis explained that he was being Felix from Felix and Gotrek. Kurtis told him he had a similar costume to Erhardt and asked if he’d seen him, and Erhardt said he hadn’t. This satisfied Erhardt that his magical disguise was working.

Erhardt then revealed his identity to Gulgad. I think Gulgad had to perform some sort of mental gymnastics in order to acknowledge that this was actually Erhardt but he managed it. And Gulgad told him about the beer cart incident. They did a tour of the grounds to make sure things were secure, but apart from one of the gravin’s handmaids snogging in a bush everything seemed in order.

Florian Pfeifraucher and Cristoph Engel turned up together quite drunk. I think we may have seen Pfeifraucher before at the opera in Nuln, or maybe at the wedding, and we had heard of Cristoph Engel, who was a Grey Wizard who had had some dealings with the late Tylo Vielfrass, but who we had never managed to catch up with. Pfeifraucher was dressed half naked as a fertility spirit, looking a bit like Erhardt. Engel had come as a Grey Wizard which seemed to be to me the sort of cunning disguise a Grey Wizard might use and think themselves very clever.

Erhardt was having a drink at the bar when they noticed Karl-Heinz von Saponatheim surreptitiously pouring a powder into Rickart Aschaffenberg’s drink. In the spirit of keeping the incidents down, even though we were supposedly here to support Karl-Heinz, Erhardt managed to cast a spell to turn the drink into pure water. Rickart took a swig and complained that the beer tasted like water. However, the magical forces he unleashed got tangled up in his skimpy costume and made it so uncomfortable he had to go somewhere private and rearrange his paraphernalia.

On his way out, he passed Otto, and whispered that, ‘There are Ratmen about.’ As he had no idea who the magically disguised Erhardt was, this would probably have confused a brighter man, but Otto just shrugged it off as a reference to his bear/rat costume.

Then came Father Gunther Emming of the cult of Sigmar, wearing his usual clothes, and then the goddess Shallya appeared. Actually, it was the priestess Celestine Hoch who was a new member of the Temple of Shallya in Ubersreik I had not seen before. She had decided to come dressed as Shallya herself. I wasn’t sure whether that constituted blasphemy or not but didn’t really care because she was lovely. I couldn’t imagine a more beautiful looking Shallya except perhaps Shallya herself. And I couldn’t let this chance go by, so I quickly went to find Kurtis.

Meanwhile Solvej was approached by the drunks, Engel and Pfiefraucher, who called her a little thing, and she replied the same to them. They asked her if she wanted some company, but she told them it looked like they already had company with each other.

This was interrupted by shouts of horror, as the priests Emming and Hoch suddenly found themselves wearing each other’s clothes. Some sort of magical trick perhaps. They retreated to the powder room to swap clothes again. Erhardt tried to sense whether magic had been involved, but only sensed Grey stuff, which he decided probably came from himself suffused as he was with magical power.

Then there was another announcement. Doctor Otto Krup turned up, whoever he was. He was dressed as a plague doctor which I thought was in bad taste, but he went over to the drinks and discovered, because of the plague mask, he wasn’t able to drink anything.

Max and Gutele bumped into each other, again, with Max calling Gutele a mutant. Gutele drew her knife but Solvej managed to get between them and asked if she could be of assistance. Gutele told her to get Max out of there or she would kill him. So, Solvej resorted to calling Max ‘darling’ in order to get his attention. She signalled for Kurtis to come over and help but, I decided it was much more important that Kurtis come and help me, so I dragged him back to see Celestine and asked him what to do.

Kurtis told me to stay calm and grabbed a couple of drinks. He told me walk over to Celestine and Father Gunther and offer them a drink and them complement Celestine on her costume. I may not have got everything exactly right, but I downed the two drinks and ran over to Gunther and told him how great his costume was. This offended him as he thought costumes were a kind of deceit and therefore inspired by the dark gods, and so we stood there awkwardly for a few moments while the drinks began to go to my head. Gunther said something about Celestine being new to the town and very good at recruiting people to Shallya but by then I was losing focus and wasn’t really listening.

It was at that point Kurtis stepped in and started talking to Celestine. They seemed to be getting on very well. Kurtis told her how great Ubersreik was and that he would show her round. Celestine told him that it was refreshing to meet someone who wasn’t connected to the cult. Kurtis then told her all about how nice he was to poor people and what a great supporter of the Shallya he was, and he dredged his memory for the sort of stuff I had said to him about Shallya so he could impress Celestine with his theological insights. I felt a bit sick and ran out to the garden. Kurtis reckoned he later tried to find me so he could introduce me to Celestine, but I think he was probably lying about that, the jealous prick.

Meanwhile Otto came to help Solvej deal with Max. Otto threatened to sic Schnitzel on him but Max called him a rat. Otto explained that they were actually bears. He offered to have a drink with Max but Max wanted one with Solvej. So Solvej came out to the garden and found me and asked for something to deal with Max. I had some of the graveroot from the commune that had been used to drug the children there and gave her a couple of doses. I suppose I should have just given her one dose, but I was a bit upset about the whole Celestine thing, and a bit drunk, and I didn’t really care. Plus, Max is a dick.

Erhardt spotted Karl-Heinz slipping powder into Erich von Holzenauer’s drink, and he managed to purify that one, too. And the guests hadn’t even finished arriving yet. It was going to be a long night.